Le Brexit, en réalité, c'est l'histoire d'un mec qui décide de quitter sa meuf.
GB (Grand Breton) et EU (Eternelle Utopiste) vivent ensemble depuis plus de 40 ans. Ils habitent une immense maison dans un petit patelin avec plusieurs chambres, un grand potager, un lac pour pêcher et une ferme avec des cochons et des vaches.
N'ayant pas d'enfants (parce que les enfants, ça fait chier), leur maison sert de squat aux différents membres de leur famille élargie (28 au total) et des copains venus de loin (le reste du monde). La maison, certes, appartient à EU, mais GB bossant dans la finance, c'est plutôt lui qui ramène les sous pour payer les factures et agrandir la maison. En échange, EU s'occupe de maintenir leur grande propriété dans un état correct et de faire en sorte que ce soit pas trop le bordel avec tous ces allers et venues.
Les copains et la famille, eux, quand ils viennent squatter, sont loin de rester avachis sur le canapé à se curer le nez devant Top Gear avec une bière à la main. Plutôt soucieux de se faire réinviter et parce qu'ils sont bien contents d'être là que dans leur pauvre F2 de merde, ils font le max pour se rendre utiles : ils s'occupent du potager, du lac, de la ferme, ils soignent les petits et gros bobos de tout le monde, font les courses, le ménage, chauffeurs de maître, réparent ta caisse et participent aux frais de la maison. Et en prime, ils font de la super bouffe, ce qui change du fish & chips tout gras et dégueu de GB.
Jusqu'ici, tout allait bien, et durant 40 ans, ce couple exemplaire a maintenu le cap et fait face aux crises du mieux qu'il pouvait. Faut dire que leurs voisins sont un poil agressifs….
Et puis un jour, GB a décidé qu'il en avait marre…
GB : "Meuf, faut qu'on parle…."
EU : "Attend 2 secondes là, j'ai un truc sur le feu et y'a encore les voisins qui font chier"
GB : "Ecoute, c'est hyper sérieux, j'ai bien réfléchi et je pense que toi et moi, nous ne pouvons plus continuer dans ces conditions là…"
EU : "Quoi encore? Tu vas encore me faire un caca nerveux sur ton désir d'indépendance?"
GB : "Bah voilà, c'est EXACTEMENT ça!! J'en ai marre, de toi, de ta famille, de tes potes, je me sens plus chez moi.
Donc premièrement, le squat en permanence, ça me saoule, surtout que c'est moi qui raques pour tout le monde, je suis pas une vache à traire, j'ai même plus la place pour poser mes fesses sur le canapé. Avant, ça allait, on était pas beaucoup à occuper la maison, mais là, ça explose et y'a encore du monde qui se bouscule au portillon, donc NIET. Tes copains, là, avec leurs boubous et leur bouffe trop épicée, stop!
Deuxièmement, plus les années passent, et plus tu m'imposes des règles à la con, non mais t'imagines? plus de 2000 au total, j'en peux plus moi! Si j'ai envie de manger de la viande avariée, planter des concombres qui font plus de 40 cm ou arroser mon jardin de Roundup, j'ai le droit, ch'uis chez moi merde! En fait, tu fais ça juste pour me faire chier!
Troisièmement, avant, j'étais un peu the King of the World tu vois, ouais, le Roi du Monde madame! Je pouvais aller n'importe où, me saouler, coucher avec qui je voulais, squatter chez les autres et repartir avec leurs meubles après avoir saccagé leur baraque et personne ne me disait rien!
Au contraire, j'apportais un semblant de savoir-vivre et du fric à gogo parce que contrairement à ce qu'on pourrait croire, ch'uis pas un Gros Bâtard! Et depuis que je suis avec toi, bah je suis juste un autre parmi d'autres, j'aime pas ça, j'ai de l'amour propre moi.
Donc merde…"
EU : "Mais dis pas ça enfin mon chéri….
Déjà, premièrement, c'est toi qui a poussé pour qu'on agrandisse la maison et qu'on reçoive tout ce beau monde. Tu t'es dit "tiens, si j'invitais les voisins et qu'on devenait potes, ça ferait tellement chier le Ruskoff et en plus, j'aurai quelqu'un pour réparer le toit de la maison qui fuit depuis 30 ans". Donc forcément, ne fais pas l'étonné qu'en ouvrant tes portes aussi généreusement, tu te retrouves avec du monde à la maison. Et honnêtement, ils font peut-être chier de temps en temps, mais ils sont quand même bien sympas de faire le boulot que tu refuses de faire parce que ça te saoule… De plus, t'es quand même bien content d'aller squatter chez eux en vacances sans que ça te coute un rond et tu y es accueilli les bras ouverts… sans déconner….
Deuxièmement, une vie de couple, c'est une série de compromis de ma part comme de la tienne et parfois, il faut mettre en place certaines règles noir sur blanc. Oui, je suis obligée d'imposer des règles car sinon, avec tout le monde qui squatte, ce serait ingérable. Si y'en a un qui se sent lésé par rapport à l'autre, c'est caca nerveux assuré sur la table. Bon, je te l'accorde, j'ai un peu abusé, je t'ai imposé des règles absurdes et je te promets d'alléger tout ça.
Troisièmement, mister King of the World, c'est fini ton délire de cador…. Ceux chez qui t'a fait ton chef de bande se sont émancipés et préfèrent être fauchés que d'avoir un gars qui vit à des milliers de kilomètres leur dicter leur façon de vivre. Et puis honnêtement, c'est pas avec ta bande de cousins que vous allez arriver à faire quoi que ce soit, déjà que vous passez votre temps à vous mettre sur la gueule, je n'ose même pas imaginer comment vous pourriez vous coordonner ne serait-ce que pour louer une voiture à plusieurs. Donc t'oublies…
GB : "…. Ouais, mais n'empêche… Je ne sais plus…."
EU : "Bah va falloir que tu te décides assez vite mon grand, parce que moi je vais pas attendre la bouche ouverte que tu prennes une décision. Et puis franchement, je vois pas pourquoi tu me reproches tout ça, c'était génial d'être ensemble !"
Le couple, vu par EU… bon….ok...
GB : "Ecoute, je te dis ça…. le 23 juin!!"
EU : "C'est ça oui, prend ton temps, te presse surtout pas, réfléchis bien à ce que tu vas faire, prends toi la tête dans ton coin…"
Bref, le jour fatidique arriva, et EU étant ce qu'elle est, ne se doutait pas vraiment que GB allait la planter comme une grosse merde. C'est mal connaître l'animal qui pendant des années a accumulé un nombre de frustrations et pratiqué le non-dit dans un souci de paraître exemplaire. De tergiversations en coups de gueule, GB a mis des mois à prendre sa décision….
EU : "Alors?"
GB : "Bah, c'est décidé… JE-ME-CASSE!"
EU : "Hein? Quoi? Mais enfin, tu ne peux pas me faire ça??!! Après tout ce qu'on a vécu ensemble, tu me quittes comme ça? T'es vraiment un enculé…"
GB : " Ha bah je t'avais prévenue hein! On a vécu une belle histoire, tu m'as apporté beaucoup, je t'ai donné un rein mais là, faut que je prenne le large… Et puis les squatteurs là, j'en peux plus..."
EU : "T'es sûr de toi? Pas de seconde chance? Pas de discussion pour remettre les choses à plat et repartir du bon pied? Un jour t'es le mec le plus ouvert de la planète et pouf, du jour au lendemain, tu deviens un gros facho!"
GB : "Ha non, moi quand je prend une décision, je reviens pas dessus, c'est un principe"
EU : "Bon bah, tu te casses quand alors?"
GB : "Je sais pas encore…"
EU : "Comment ça tu sais pas? Attends, tu m'annonces que tu me quittes et tu penses sincèrement que je vais te laisser squatter un jour de plus??! Ne me dis pas que t'as pas pensé à un plan B?"
GB : "Hum, j'y ai pas trop réfléchi… Ch'uis monotache moi, je peux pas penser à plusieurs trucs à la fois… En fait, je pensais partir dans 2 ans… 2 ans, c'est bien, ça me donne le temps d'anticiper..."
EU : "2 ans??? Tu te fous de ma gueule? Ha non, non, non, non! Tu te casses maintenant, tu prends tes meubles et sou, dehors mon vieux!"
GB : "On peut pas faire chambre séparée pendant 2 ans? Je vis ma vie, j'emmerde plus personne mais j'ai quand même accès aux espaces communs, au frigo et à la voiture? Et puis ton cousin du Sud là qu'il faudrait dégager, tu peux voir avec lui si je peux passer 15 jours dans sa villa cet été? Non parce que j'ai déjà pris mes billets et ça me saoule de les annuler, c'était des billets non-remboursables…."
EU : "Et puis quoi encore??! Non, tu jartes, tu retournes dans ton F2 de merde avec ta friteuse de merde, ton temps de merde, ton accent de merde. Moi, à partir du moment où tu me quittes, je dois refaire ma vie, combler ce vide, réorganiser la maison, faire comprendre aux autres que tu as décidé de partir à cause d'eux malgré tous les efforts qu'ils ont fait… Parce que vois-tu, moi aussi j'ai un minimum de dignité..."
GB : "Ouais, c'est ça, genre du vas t'inscrire sur Tinder et trouver un pigeon qui paiera toutes les factures, sans ma thune, tu n'existes plus de toute façon…"
EU : "J'arriverai bien à me démerder, t'inquiètes pas…."
GB : "Bon et sinon… un dernier petit coup avant mon départ?"
Le Brexit, c'est l'histoire d'une meuf qui s'est fait larguer par son mec...
j'adore, c'est si réel, merci zaza ! et .... come back plus souvent merci !:)
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C'est comme ça que t'as expliqué le Brexit à tes enfants? Bien joué, c'est exactement ça! xD
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je relis ce post qui est juste... exactissimme... comment ça va ? qu'Est-ce que le brexit a changé pour toi, les relations avec les anglais "pure souche" ? raconte nous comme Pom de Pin ton vécu notre chère zaza ! je t'embrasse et te souhaite le meilleur pour 2017, qu'elle soit une année où les hommes arrêteront de devenir fous
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En coulisses, sous la houlette de Michel Barnier, les experts européens se préparent depuis des mois. Première priorité : garantir les droits en matière de santé et de retraite des résidents européens en Grande-Bretagne. Premier écueil : le reliquat pour Londres au titre de ses engagements européens dans la recherche ou l'investissement de 60 milliards d'euros annonce un bras de fer délicat. Dans un mois, l'UE se retrouve à Bruxelles pour affiner sa stratégie." Source france TV info 30/03 Bonne chance, à tous...
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